Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Let's Edit a Story, Part 2!

Here’s another look at the story discussed in my previous post, with a little more information added. (Remember, major editing will wait until the story is fully roughed out.) 

 The day my mother put on Dad’s work boots, our life changed. I held my hair up off my sweaty neck and peered out the dusty glass. Mom stomped through the muddy yard, carrying a rusty hammer and cardboard sign on a wood stick pointed at the end. 

Here’s my take on this rough start of a story: The repetitive rhythm of adjective-noun and repeat, is annoying. 

Sweaty neck 

Dusty glass 

Muddy yard 

Rusty hammer 

Cardboard sign 

Wood stick 

Break the pattern. Keep a couple adjectives and kill the rest, or arrange the sentence differently. 

Which adjectives to keep, and which to lose? We can assume the character is hot, or she wouldn’t be holding up her hair. We guess without being told that her neck is sweaty. Cut sweaty. Next, a dusty window reveals something about the house and/or the people living there. Maybe it has to do with the amount of time for cleaning the family has, that they’ve been gone a while, or something about their priorities. We get an idea about the place just by the mud in the yard and the dust on the window. Those details create mood. For now, I’d keep muddy and dusty. 

 Mom stomped through the muddy yard, carrying a rusty hammer and cardboard sign on a wood stick pointed at the end. Look at this. Too many images weaken the focus. I’d omit the highlighted part highlighted. It’s awkward, and when you read about someone carrying a hammer and a cardboard sign, you’ll assume the sign can be hammered to stand in the ground. Don’t waste words creating an image the reader will get, anyway. 

Now we are left with Mom stomped through the muddy yard carrying a rusty hammer and cardboard sign. I doubt if deleting the word rusty will affect the story. Get rid of rusty for now, but you may grab it later if you decide the hammer being rusty is important. Also, consider the word cardboard. You can bet that if the sign is elaborate, the fancy details would be mentioned. Otherwise, it probably doesn’t matter if it’s made of cardboard, tag board, or a sharp scrap of metal. Wanting to know what the sign says is what will keep us reading. House for sale? Eggs for sale? Free stuff? Everything must go? 

Last, change glass to window, because dusty glass could be that of a china hutch. Here, it’s best to be specific. 

Before continuing the story, consider the fact that Mom stomped through the yard. No grace in her walk here. This might suggest she’s in a specific mood. Maybe what the sign says explains that mood. Chances are, after you’ve made these changes, you’ll see something else needing attention. For instance, in––I held my hair up from my neck and peered through the dusty window. Mom stomped through the muddy yard, carrying a hammer and cardboard sign––there’s an echo on the word through. 

Echoes are repeated words that do not sound lyrical. They sound loud and distracting. The text could read, Mom stomped across the muddy yard … 

Write and edit along with me. Watch for new lines and edits in two weeks. Until then, happy writing! Also, I’d like to use your work for future posts. Young writers welcome! Send me your family-friendly short story for a free edit. Use the little envelope icon in the right margin to contact me. Stories 300-1200 words will work best. No picture books, please, and let me know if you are under 18. 

Note to readers: I recommend finishing a story before tackling any major editing. Look for the biggies first––weak character arcs, pacing problems, voice, and plotting problems––before weeding out extra words and accidental rhymes. It makes no sense to labor over a page you eventually delete. For learning purposes, we’ll do some minor line editing on this story as we go along and developmental editing once we have a beginning, middle and end.

6 comments:

  1. You have really taught me a lot!

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    1. Sorry to reply so late, but I'm glad that last post was helpful to you.

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  2. Great eye, Deb. I have been having a hard time getting into a reading rhythm recently, and much of the issue is, I think, the overuse of adjectives, and just too many words to describe something. Less is more. I think you make great points above. Cut, cut, cut to just what is needed to get the point and image across. And, as you say, get the draft done first. Thank you.

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    1. Honestly, I often think the problem comes when we focus so hard on only getting the point and image across that we forget we also have to establish mood with these few chosen words. So then we add more words for mood. It's always a tough call to know when it's too much and when it's not enough.

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  3. Love your editing lessons. Adjectives are often not needed
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    gramswisewords.blogspot.com

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  4. Thank you for this wonderful post, I want to use this opportunity to share about My life how I strunggled with Hiv/Aids Disease before the Lord Jesus in my life as a candle light in the darkness. You showed me the meaning of faith with your words. I know that even when I cried all day thinking about how to recover, you were not sleeping, you were dear to me. I contacted the herbal center Dr Itua, who lived in West Africa. A friend of mine here in Hamburg is also from Africa. She told me about African herbs but I was nervous. I am very afraid when it comes to Africa because I heard many terrible things about them because of my Christianity. god for direction, take a bold step and get in touch with him in the email and then move to WhatsApp, he asked me if I can come for treatment or I want a delivery, I told him I wanted to know him I buy ticket in 2 ways to Africa To meet Dr. Itua, I went there and I was speechless from the people I saw there. Patent, sick people. Itua is a god sent to the world, I told my pastor about what I am doing, Pastor Bill Scheer. We have a real battle beautifully with Spirit and Flesh. Adoration that same night. He prayed for me and asked me to lead. I spent 2 weeks and 2 days in Africa at Dr Itua Herbal Home. After the treatment, he asked me to meet his nurse for the HIV test when I did it. It was negative, I asked my friend to take me to another nearby hospital when I arrived, it was negative. I was overwhite with the result, but happy inside of me. We went with Dr. Itua, I thank him but I explain that I do not have enough to show him my appreciation, that he understands my situation, but I promise that he will testify about his good work. Thank God for my dear friend, Emma, I know I could be reading this now, I want to thank you. And many thanks to Dr. Itua Herbal Center. He gave me his calendar that I put on my wall in my house. Dr. Itua can also cure the following diseases, HIV, Herpes, Neuromuscular Diseases , Hepatitis B, Inflammatory Liver, Diabetes,Inflammatory bowel disease ,Fibromyalgia, recover your ex. You can contact him by email or drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com, ..www.drituaherbalcenter.com .. He is a good doctor, talk to him kindly. I'm sure he will also listen to you.

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